Jokes for our foreign guests

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closey
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Jokes for our foreign guests

#1 Beitrag von closey » Fr Nov 06, 2009 09:36

I will start this thread with......

The Mexican Maid.

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about her request. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so..."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you ..."

Wife: (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"


Maria: "No Senora … … the gardener did."

Wife: "… … So how much do you want? :twisted:

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Glücki
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#2 Beitrag von Glücki » Fr Nov 06, 2009 15:36

:]
Glücki
Jeder Mensch bereitet uns auf eine gewisse Art Vergnügen. Der Eine,
wenn er ein Zimmer betritt, der Andere, wenn er es wieder verläßt!

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gsxfan
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#3 Beitrag von gsxfan » Fr Nov 06, 2009 17:58

[smilie=roflmao.gif]
cu Uwe
Bild Bild Bild Bild

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#4 Beitrag von closey » Fr Nov 20, 2009 18:40

The Whiskey diet.....

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Bild

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Fraro
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#5 Beitrag von Fraro » Mo Nov 23, 2009 10:27

...wrong hole?



--> Link <--
Ein Frosch ohne Humor ist nur ein kleiner grüner Haufen!
(Kermit, 1976)

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gsxfan
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#6 Beitrag von gsxfan » Mo Nov 23, 2009 17:56

Ahem.
But a good song! Just watched it three times in a row, just great!
cu Uwe
Bild Bild Bild Bild

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#7 Beitrag von closey » Mo Nov 23, 2009 23:05

And moving quickly along. :pfeif:
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I have just walked out of my job at the helium balloon factory.

There is no way I'm going to be spoken to like that.

:wink:

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#8 Beitrag von closey » Sa Nov 28, 2009 19:30

How to take a shower...


How To Shower Like a Woman.

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.





How To Shower Like a Man.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

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Glücki
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#9 Beitrag von Glücki » So Nov 29, 2009 12:00

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"woo-woo"
Glücki
Jeder Mensch bereitet uns auf eine gewisse Art Vergnügen. Der Eine,
wenn er ein Zimmer betritt, der Andere, wenn er es wieder verläßt!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#10 Beitrag von closey » Fr Dez 04, 2009 18:42

A man goes to the doctor and says, "doctor i think i'm going deaf."

The doctor asks, "can you describe the symptoms ?"
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The man says, "Homer is the fat one and Marge has blue hair."

:wink:

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Fraro
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#11 Beitrag von Fraro » Fr Dez 04, 2009 22:02

*BRÜLL!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Ein Frosch ohne Humor ist nur ein kleiner grüner Haufen!
(Kermit, 1976)

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#12 Beitrag von closey » Mi Dez 09, 2009 21:24

I was reading a book today, it was called "The History of Glue."
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I couldn't put it down.

:wink:

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#13 Beitrag von closey » Sa Feb 20, 2010 22:42

How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
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She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

:wink:

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Glücki
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#14 Beitrag von Glücki » Sa Feb 20, 2010 22:59

Elke sagt:
bad boy Joe Closey :pfeif: :wink:
Glücki
Jeder Mensch bereitet uns auf eine gewisse Art Vergnügen. Der Eine,
wenn er ein Zimmer betritt, der Andere, wenn er es wieder verläßt!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#15 Beitrag von closey » So Feb 28, 2010 19:28

"Late again!," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Pa. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"

"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop." "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin.'


:wink:

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