Jokes for our foreign guests
Moderatoren: Admins, Moderatoren
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
- Postcode: 44532
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Lünen
- Kontaktdaten:
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a
small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned
to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the
effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and
vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get
rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a
small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned
to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the
effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and
vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get
rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- Fraro
- Forenlämmchen & Frauenversteher
- Beiträge: 4978
- Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 22:01
- Postcode: 27711
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: OHZ (Garlstedt)
- Kontaktdaten:
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
*GACKER!!*
Ein Frosch ohne Humor ist nur ein kleiner grüner Haufen!
(Kermit, 1976)
(Kermit, 1976)
- closey
- Ferryfix & iron butt
- Beiträge: 1872
- Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 21:52
- Postcode: 10117
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Spennymoor, England
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
Never mind the horsemeat scandal......
Du hast keine ausreichende Berechtigung, um die Dateianhänge dieses Beitrags anzusehen.
- closey
- Ferryfix & iron butt
- Beiträge: 1872
- Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 21:52
- Postcode: 10117
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Spennymoor, England
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis :
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round...................and he laughed and laughed and laughed!
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round...................and he laughed and laughed and laughed!
- closey
- Ferryfix & iron butt
- Beiträge: 1872
- Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 21:52
- Postcode: 10117
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Spennymoor, England
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
His wife came home to find him in the kitchen cooking a lovely romantic dinner,candles lit on the table and place settings for two.
"Oh this is a surprise" she said.
"Too f***ing right it is," he replied "I didn't expect you back till Monday"
"Oh this is a surprise" she said.
"Too f***ing right it is," he replied "I didn't expect you back till Monday"
- Fraro
- Forenlämmchen & Frauenversteher
- Beiträge: 4978
- Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 22:01
- Postcode: 27711
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: OHZ (Garlstedt)
- Kontaktdaten:
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
BWAAAAAAAH!!
Ein Frosch ohne Humor ist nur ein kleiner grüner Haufen!
(Kermit, 1976)
(Kermit, 1976)
- Glücki
- Lästerfix
- Beiträge: 3861
- Registriert: Fr Jul 14, 2006 08:05
- Postcode: 29389
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Bad Bodenteich
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
Glücki
Jeder Mensch bereitet uns auf eine gewisse Art Vergnügen. Der Eine,
wenn er ein Zimmer betritt, der Andere, wenn er es wieder verläßt!
Jeder Mensch bereitet uns auf eine gewisse Art Vergnügen. Der Eine,
wenn er ein Zimmer betritt, der Andere, wenn er es wieder verläßt!
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
- Postcode: 44532
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Lünen
- Kontaktdaten:
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
- Postcode: 44532
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Lünen
- Kontaktdaten:
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”
The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.
The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”
The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- closey
- Ferryfix & iron butt
- Beiträge: 1872
- Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 21:52
- Postcode: 10117
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Spennymoor, England
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
You got me !
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
- Postcode: 44532
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Lünen
- Kontaktdaten:
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
What a beautiful story ...
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
- Postcode: 44532
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Lünen
- Kontaktdaten:
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
***** Tequilahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *****
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to The brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to The brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
- Postcode: 44532
- Country: Germany
- Wohnort: Lünen
- Kontaktdaten:
Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
Who was who in 1923 and what became of them
In 1923, who was ...
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4 Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 90 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company - Charles Schwab - died as pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company - Edward Hopson - went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE - Richard Whitney - was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator - Arthur Cooger - died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of The Bank of International Settlement - shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street - Cosabee Livermore - also committed suicide
However, in that same year, 1923,
The winner of the worlds most important road race, the Isle of Man T.T.,
was Stanley Woods.
What became of him?
He won 10 T.T. Races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life.
He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54.
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.
The Moral:
F*ck work ...
Ride motorbikes.
In 1923, who was ...
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4 Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 90 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company - Charles Schwab - died as pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company - Edward Hopson - went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE - Richard Whitney - was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator - Arthur Cooger - died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of The Bank of International Settlement - shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street - Cosabee Livermore - also committed suicide
However, in that same year, 1923,
The winner of the worlds most important road race, the Isle of Man T.T.,
was Stanley Woods.
What became of him?
He won 10 T.T. Races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life.
He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54.
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.
The Moral:
F*ck work ...
Ride motorbikes.
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!