Jokes for our foreign guests
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- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the income tax cheque to Revenue Canada this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years!!
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the income tax cheque to Revenue Canada this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years!!
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- Fraro
- Forenlämmchen & Frauenversteher
- Beiträge: 4978
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
ROFL!
On another plane the Captain makes his usual announces prior starting:
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. Welcome on board Coconutline, Flight no. CNL 1547 from Frankfurt to New York. Please be infommed da flight will last approxy... appox... abroxy... about eight-and-a-half hours. Ze weazzer in New York is fine, about 22 degrees and sunny. We wish you to have a nice time on board!"
*poc!*
Aber about four hours of a nice and smooth flight the loudspeaker raises again:
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. If you look out of left windows, you will see portside engine burning. But no problem, we have anozzer one on the right side."
*poc!*
A lot of mumbling and muttering in the passenger cabin. The portside engine is ablazing. But the plane is still continuing its voyage, obviously without any problem. Suddenly a passenger on the right side of the cabin shouted: "Is that smoke coming out of the other engine?!" In that moment the PA aspirated a sound:
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. If you look out of right window, you see starboardside engine burning. We are working on a solution."
*poc!*
First signs of panic in the cabin. The passengers are really worried what's going on, some start praying, some are crying. But then the next announcment out of the cockpit:
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. We have to make a waterlanding. Please: All swimmers to the left side of cabin, all non-swimmers to right side."
*poc!*
A lot of higgeldy-piggeldy in the cabin, the the passengers found their new seats. All swimmers on the left side, all non-swimmers on the right. Shortly later a big stroke shaked the cabin from the left to the right, from the bottom to the top. Over all the noise of a big splash and of breaking metal pervaded the air. Obviously the plane made a water landing. The water immediately starts to flood the cabin slowly. Luckily nobody was hurt!
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. Our waterlanding was big success. We now start to evacuate plane. Please: all swimmers to left wing. All non-swimmers to right wing. And then: To all swimmers: Swim! And to all non-swimmers: Thank you for flying Coconutline!"
*poc!*
On another plane the Captain makes his usual announces prior starting:
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. Welcome on board Coconutline, Flight no. CNL 1547 from Frankfurt to New York. Please be infommed da flight will last approxy... appox... abroxy... about eight-and-a-half hours. Ze weazzer in New York is fine, about 22 degrees and sunny. We wish you to have a nice time on board!"
*poc!*
Aber about four hours of a nice and smooth flight the loudspeaker raises again:
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. If you look out of left windows, you will see portside engine burning. But no problem, we have anozzer one on the right side."
*poc!*
A lot of mumbling and muttering in the passenger cabin. The portside engine is ablazing. But the plane is still continuing its voyage, obviously without any problem. Suddenly a passenger on the right side of the cabin shouted: "Is that smoke coming out of the other engine?!" In that moment the PA aspirated a sound:
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. If you look out of right window, you see starboardside engine burning. We are working on a solution."
*poc!*
First signs of panic in the cabin. The passengers are really worried what's going on, some start praying, some are crying. But then the next announcment out of the cockpit:
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. We have to make a waterlanding. Please: All swimmers to the left side of cabin, all non-swimmers to right side."
*poc!*
A lot of higgeldy-piggeldy in the cabin, the the passengers found their new seats. All swimmers on the left side, all non-swimmers on the right. Shortly later a big stroke shaked the cabin from the left to the right, from the bottom to the top. Over all the noise of a big splash and of breaking metal pervaded the air. Obviously the plane made a water landing. The water immediately starts to flood the cabin slowly. Luckily nobody was hurt!
*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. Our waterlanding was big success. We now start to evacuate plane. Please: all swimmers to left wing. All non-swimmers to right wing. And then: To all swimmers: Swim! And to all non-swimmers: Thank you for flying Coconutline!"
*poc!*
Ein Frosch ohne Humor ist nur ein kleiner grüner Haufen!
(Kermit, 1976)
(Kermit, 1976)
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
Male Logic Elementary
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- dickerpott
- Chef-Gla(t)ziologe
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- Fraro
- Forenlämmchen & Frauenversteher
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
*BRÜLL!*
Ein Frosch ohne Humor ist nur ein kleiner grüner Haufen!
(Kermit, 1976)
(Kermit, 1976)
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile, and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!!"
The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner!"
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile, and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!!"
The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner!"
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
- Postcode: 44532
- Country: Germany
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- closey
- Ferryfix & iron butt
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Granddad. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Granddad's room.
"Granddad, Granddad," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mummy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Granddad.
"Make a noise like a frog, because my mummy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!”
"Granddad, Granddad," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mummy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Granddad.
"Make a noise like a frog, because my mummy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!”
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
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- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
that's what I love brit humor for
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: 'Remove cap and push up bottom.'
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
The instructions said: 'Remove cap and push up bottom.'
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
- Bitdiddle.de
- Übernachtet im Forum
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
Hopefully the other room members wear their helmets .
Was würdest du tun, wenn du wüsstest, dass du nicht scheitern kannst?
http://v-motor-tours.4-alle.de/
Ex-GSX1100G-GT2001, DL1000K2 88kkm
http://v-motor-tours.4-alle.de/
Ex-GSX1100G-GT2001, DL1000K2 88kkm
- YogiGSX
- Gitarrenlerche
- Beiträge: 1042
- Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests
gr8
neva managed to get me dongle into me apple
neva managed to get me dongle into me apple
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!