Jokes for our foreign guests

The board for english speaking people

Moderatoren: Admins, Moderatoren

Antworten
Nachricht
Autor
Benutzeravatar
YogiGSX
Gitarrenlerche
Beiträge: 1037
Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
Postleitzahl: 44532
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Lünen
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#106 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Mi Jun 05, 2013 08:19

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the income tax cheque to Revenue Canada this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."


Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years!!


Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"



Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

Benutzeravatar
Fraro
Forenlämmchen & Frauenversteher
Beiträge: 4960
Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 22:01
Postleitzahl: 27711
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: OHZ (Garlstedt)
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#107 Beitrag von Fraro » Mi Jun 05, 2013 13:13

ROFL!

On another plane the Captain makes his usual announces prior starting:

*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. Welcome on board Coconutline, Flight no. CNL 1547 from Frankfurt to New York. Please be infommed da flight will last approxy... appox... abroxy... about eight-and-a-half hours. Ze weazzer in New York is fine, about 22 degrees and sunny. We wish you to have a nice time on board!"
*poc!*

Aber about four hours of a nice and smooth flight the loudspeaker raises again:

*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. If you look out of left windows, you will see portside engine burning. But no problem, we have anozzer one on the right side."
*poc!*

A lot of mumbling and muttering in the passenger cabin. The portside engine is ablazing. But the plane is still continuing its voyage, obviously without any problem. Suddenly a passenger on the right side of the cabin shouted: "Is that smoke coming out of the other engine?!" In that moment the PA aspirated a sound:

*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. If you look out of right window, you see starboardside engine burning. We are working on a solution."
*poc!*

First signs of panic in the cabin. The passengers are really worried what's going on, some start praying, some are crying. But then the next announcment out of the cockpit:

*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. We have to make a waterlanding. Please: All swimmers to the left side of cabin, all non-swimmers to right side."
*poc!*

A lot of higgeldy-piggeldy in the cabin, the the passengers found their new seats. All swimmers on the left side, all non-swimmers on the right. Shortly later a big stroke shaked the cabin from the left to the right, from the bottom to the top. Over all the noise of a big splash and of breaking metal pervaded the air. Obviously the plane made a water landing. The water immediately starts to flood the cabin slowly. Luckily nobody was hurt!

*poc!*
"Ladiesse and gentlemene, Capptain speaking. Our waterlanding was big success. We now start to evacuate plane. Please: all swimmers to left wing. All non-swimmers to right wing. And then: To all swimmers: Swim! And to all non-swimmers: Thank you for flying Coconutline!"
*poc!*
Ein Frosch ohne Humor ist nur ein kleiner grüner Haufen!
(Kermit, 1976)

Benutzeravatar
closey
Ferryfix & iron butt
Beiträge: 1871
Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 21:52
Postleitzahl: 10117
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Spennymoor, England

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#108 Beitrag von closey » Mi Jun 05, 2013 18:06

:gr:


Benutzeravatar
YogiGSX
Gitarrenlerche
Beiträge: 1037
Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
Postleitzahl: 44532
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Lünen
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#109 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Do Jun 13, 2013 08:37

Male Logic Elementary

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

Benutzeravatar
dickerpott
Chef-Gla(t)ziologe
Beiträge: 3662
Registriert: Fr Jul 14, 2006 11:05
Postleitzahl: 51766
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: 51766 Engelskirchen

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#110 Beitrag von dickerpott » Do Jun 13, 2013 14:28

:lol: :lol: :lol:
xxxxxxxxBild Bild Bild Bild
Vegane Turnschuhe ? Mir doch egal wovon sich meine Schuhe ernähren...

Benutzeravatar
Fraro
Forenlämmchen & Frauenversteher
Beiträge: 4960
Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 22:01
Postleitzahl: 27711
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: OHZ (Garlstedt)
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#111 Beitrag von Fraro » Do Jun 13, 2013 23:49

*BRÜLL!*
Ein Frosch ohne Humor ist nur ein kleiner grüner Haufen!
(Kermit, 1976)

Benutzeravatar
YogiGSX
Gitarrenlerche
Beiträge: 1037
Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
Postleitzahl: 44532
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Lünen
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#112 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Mo Aug 05, 2013 09:35

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile, and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!!"
The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner!"
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

Benutzeravatar
closey
Ferryfix & iron butt
Beiträge: 1871
Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 21:52
Postleitzahl: 10117
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Spennymoor, England

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#113 Beitrag von closey » Mo Aug 05, 2013 23:03

:lol:

Benutzeravatar
YogiGSX
Gitarrenlerche
Beiträge: 1037
Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
Postleitzahl: 44532
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Lünen
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#114 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Mi Aug 14, 2013 10:55

The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

Benutzeravatar
closey
Ferryfix & iron butt
Beiträge: 1871
Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 21:52
Postleitzahl: 10117
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Spennymoor, England

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#115 Beitrag von closey » Mi Sep 11, 2013 22:33

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Granddad. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Granddad's room.

"Granddad, Granddad," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mummy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Granddad.

"Make a noise like a frog, because my mummy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!”

:wink:

Benutzeravatar
YogiGSX
Gitarrenlerche
Beiträge: 1037
Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
Postleitzahl: 44532
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Lünen
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#116 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Do Sep 12, 2013 08:21

:muhaha:

that's what I love brit humor for :gr:
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

Benutzeravatar
YogiGSX
Gitarrenlerche
Beiträge: 1037
Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
Postleitzahl: 44532
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Lünen
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#117 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Mo Sep 16, 2013 10:29

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: 'Remove cap and push up bottom.'
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

Benutzeravatar
Bitdiddle.de
Übernachtet im Forum
Beiträge: 1106
Registriert: Do Mai 02, 2013 23:16
Postleitzahl: 51674
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Wiehl-Bielstein
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#118 Beitrag von Bitdiddle.de » Mo Sep 16, 2013 11:01

Hopefully the other room members wear their helmets :).
Es gibt wichtigeres im Leben, als beständig dessen Geschwindigkeit zu erhöhen. (Mahatma Gandhi)

http://v-motor-tours.4-alle.de/
GSX1100G-GT2001 87kkm, DL1000K2 77kkm

Benutzeravatar
closey
Ferryfix & iron butt
Beiträge: 1871
Registriert: Do Jul 13, 2006 21:52
Postleitzahl: 10117
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Spennymoor, England

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#119 Beitrag von closey » Fr Sep 20, 2013 16:45


Benutzeravatar
YogiGSX
Gitarrenlerche
Beiträge: 1037
Registriert: Mo Sep 03, 2012 09:13
Postleitzahl: 44532
Land: Deutschland
Wohnort: Lünen
Kontaktdaten:

Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#120 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Sa Sep 21, 2013 13:12

gr8 :gr:

neva managed to get me dongle into me apple :)
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

Antworten

Zurück zu „For our foreign guests“