Jokes for our foreign guests

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#121 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Do Sep 26, 2013 15:59

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting
in the living room and I said to them
"I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull out the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer
and threw out my beer!!


The little bastards.
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#122 Beitrag von closey » Mi Okt 09, 2013 10:54

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed.
He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near.
So he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"


The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property.


Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck has a milk route."

:wink:

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#123 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Mi Okt 09, 2013 16:36

Hi Closey,
I tried my best - but I don't get this one. :oops:
Could you pls explain the expression "having a milk route"?

Thx
Yogi
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#124 Beitrag von closey » Fr Okt 11, 2013 13:23

Yogi, a milk route or milk round as it's called in the UK is a early morning delivery service of milk left on your doorstep by the milkman. So Mr Schwartz is not leaving property to his family but is telling them to keep the family business running.

Which leads me nicely to Britains most famous milkman, Ernie, who drove the fastest milk cart in the west......

:wink:


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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#125 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Fr Okt 11, 2013 15:30

Ahh! - So that's the reason I can't understand - delivering milk has never been usual in Germany.

But Benny Hill is gr8! :lol: Luv him 2
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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Glücki
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#126 Beitrag von Glücki » Fr Okt 11, 2013 23:42

Hey Yogi,
Ende der 60er Jahre bin ich immer gern mit unserem Milchmann mitgefahren.
Der kam jeden Nachmittag bei uns vorbei. Wenn die Hausaufgaben fertig waren
und kein Fußballspielen auf dem Program stand bin ich mitgefahren. :-D
Bild
Hinten war der "Zapfhahn"
Einmal von links nach rechts bzw. rechts nach links war immer 0,25 ltr.
(wenn ich mich recht erinnere :wink: )
Glücki
Jeder Mensch bereitet uns auf eine gewisse Art Vergnügen. Der Eine,
wenn er ein Zimmer betritt, der Andere, wenn er es wieder verläßt!

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Rolf
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#127 Beitrag von Rolf » Mo Okt 14, 2013 22:56

Glücki,

RESPEKT! Du hast Dich sehr, sehr gut gehalten, das waren wohl die 1860er Jahre.
Welches Spektrum der Entwicklung Du erlebt hast! Du solltest ein Bich schreiben. Wirklich!

Gruß - Rolf
Bild

Fürth zählt in Franken nicht, steht sogar bei Wikipedia:
Fürth in Bayern
*flöt*

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#128 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Di Okt 15, 2013 09:09

Moin Glücki,
das ist ja niedlich. Sowas gab es (zu meiner Zeit) bei uns nicht.
Ich bin mit meiner Oma immer zum Milchmann hingeangen.
Der verkaufte auch Fisch. Da hab ich jedesmal von Oma 'nen Rollmops oder Matjes bekommen. Der wurde dann direkt hinter der Bude verspeist.

... die guten alten Zeiten :)

VG
Yogi
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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#129 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Mi Okt 16, 2013 16:41

A man walks into a bar and the barman notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his trousers. ‘Hey,’ says the barman. ‘What’s that steering wheel doing down your trousers?’ ‘Oh, don’t start me on that,’ says the man. ‘It’s driving me nuts!’

A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘What would you like?’ asks the barman. The man replies, ‘A pint of beer and one for the road.’

A man walks into a bar with a bag on his shoulder. He sits down and puts the bag on the floor. The barman says 'Sorry you can't leave that lyin there.', The man replys 'It's not a lion it's a bag.'

A dyslexic man walks into a bra ...
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#130 Beitrag von closey » Fr Okt 18, 2013 19:00

D'OH! :gr:

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#131 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Do Okt 31, 2013 12:55

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the fucking chair!'
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#132 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Di Nov 26, 2013 10:22

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv got tae be bloody dead"
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#133 Beitrag von closey » Mi Nov 27, 2013 09:51

Tis true. :wink:

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#134 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Do Nov 28, 2013 08:29

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian,
several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian,
a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole,
a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese,
a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran,
an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese,
a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander,
a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian,
a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan,
a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian,
a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian,
a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans,




... walk into a fine restaurant.




"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.




"You can't come in here without a Thai."
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#135 Beitrag von closey » Do Nov 28, 2013 09:39

Thats your best worse one yet Yogi, it's a real groaner. :wink:

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