Jokes for our foreign guests

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#151 Beitrag von closey » Mi Feb 19, 2014 09:51

I'll drink to that. Bild

Speedy
Slowly Bertie
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#152 Beitrag von Speedy » Mi Feb 19, 2014 16:09

:gr: :gr: :gr:

deep thinking helps so much.. :lol:
Spruch des Monats:
Nichts ist so beständig wie die Veränderung.

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Rolf
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#153 Beitrag von Rolf » Mi Feb 19, 2014 21:21

rofl and crying! :gr:
Bild

Fürth zählt in Franken nicht, steht sogar bei Wikipedia:
Fürth in Bayern
*flöt*

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#154 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Fr Feb 21, 2014 08:34

The Deaf Wife Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, Bert's wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

.
.
.

'Give me strength Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#155 Beitrag von closey » Fr Feb 21, 2014 20:28

:lol:

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#156 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Do Mär 20, 2014 12:50

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of his office
to show it off to his colleagues.
Just as he is getting out of the car , a lorry comes speeding by
too close and rips off the car door and doesn’t stop.
Very distraught the Banker calls the police.
Before the policeman has time to question the driver, he starts
screaming hysterically: ”My beautiful new Porsche has been wrecked .
No matter how well it is repaired it will never be the same”.
After he has finished ranting, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
“ I can’t believe how materialistic you Bankers are, you lot are so focussed
on possessions that you can’t see anything else”
“How can you say such a thing at a time like this”, sobs the Porsche owner.
“ Did’nt you realise the lorry tore your arm off when it hit you” says the policeman.
The Banker looks down in horror,and screams” Shee-it where’s my bloody Rolex”
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#157 Beitrag von closey » So Mär 23, 2014 11:57

:wink:

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#158 Beitrag von closey » Mi Apr 02, 2014 09:34

Gamblers anonymous help two out of three callers- not bad odds really! :wink:

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#159 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Do Apr 03, 2014 08:05

[smilie=agreed.gif]
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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j_j
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#160 Beitrag von j_j » Do Okt 09, 2014 07:10

In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

That´s a pretty good summer for the UK.

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#161 Beitrag von closey » Do Jan 01, 2015 21:57

A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of three.

.
.
.
.
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He says "Uno...Dos...*poof* .....

.
.
.
.
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......he disappeared without a tres.

:pfeif:

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j_j
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#162 Beitrag von j_j » Fr Jan 02, 2015 10:14

On a beautiful summer´s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress:
"before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said:
"Burrr...gurrr... King."

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YogiGSX
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#163 Beitrag von YogiGSX » Fr Jan 30, 2015 08:21

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Allzeit gute Fahrt!
Yogi ... smarter than the average bear!

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closey
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#164 Beitrag von closey » Mi Mär 09, 2016 21:57

Just to let you all know, I've been admitted to Hospital.

I've just gone and poisoned myself.

I ate what I thought was an onion but it was a Daffodil Bulb.

They said I'll be out sometime in the Spring! :wink:

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j_j
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Re: Jokes for our foreign guests

#165 Beitrag von j_j » Do Mär 10, 2016 11:05

Mate, St. David´s was 1st of March!

regards
jj

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